The Indian Aunty - A beginner's guide 


It doesn't matter if you are a boy or girl, whether there are three people in the room or three hundred, the elders of the family, specifically the aunties, will find you like a moth to a flame and prey on you. Having just recently attended a wedding, the ultimate social hub for the aunties, I think it's safe to say that I saw every type of Aunty under the sun (or shade, because they complained so much about the heat that a separate shamiana was set up for them). Aunties are a very complex species, they must be approached and handled with extreme caution. Of course, there are various breeds of Aunties -

1) The Cynical Nitpick Aunty

Even if you are a straight A student, you always stick to your curfew, you never break the rules, you are always polite with good manners, this type of aunty will always find the ONE thing out of place. A typical conversation with this aunty goes like this :

Cynical Aunty : Hello beta! How are you? What are you upto nowadays?

Poor unaware girl : Hello Aunty! I actually just completed my MBA in the London School Of Economics and I graduated with top honours and I have got a well-paid job in a leading Multi-National Corporation.

Cynical Aunty : Yes yes, but why is your necklace not matching your dress? 

It doesn't matter what you have achieved in life, it doesn't matter if you are holding a Nobel peace prize in your hand, if you have a stain in your dress or you are not wearing a 'bindi', you are done for.

2) The Brand Aunty

This type of aunty is sort of the opposite of the Cynical Aunty.You could be talking about your best friend from Yale who passed away in a gruesome accident, but the only thing she will hear is "Yale University". This is most probably how she will introduce her children or grandchildren to other aunties - "Yes yes hello,this is my daughter, London School of Economics MBA! LSE, LSE!". You half-expect the other aunties to turn to you and say "Hello LSE MBA, how are you?"

These aunties show off their children or grandchildren like trophies. Forget about having an identity of your own, you are now a walking brand value.

3) The "Progressive" Aunty

This type of aunty believes she is extremely modern and progressive and "hip". She truly believes she understands the mindset of the "new generation"."Beta, I'm very progressive. You marry anybody you want. They just have to be same religion, state, city, caste and sub-caste as you, okay? But we are very open-minded." 

4) The overly-affectionate aunties :
You are most likely to suffer from broken ribs with the intensity of the hugs these aunties give you. Your cheeks are sore from all the kisses they hurl at you. Your names will be twisted and changed to accomodate various terms of endearment, usually in one long breath. "BetaMyLovelySweetWonderfulBeautifulGirlHowYouHaveGrownUpMyBaby!"

Some common traits of all aunties :

Gossip mongers : All aunties know everything. Nobody knows how they know, but they just do. If you are talking to a boy outside your tuition 10 kilometers away from their house, they will know and attack you about it the next time you meet. You are never safe from them, beware.

Food-obsessed : The first question that will ever slip out of an aunty's mouth is most likely to be "Did you eat? What did you eat? Why didn't you eat some more?" This is not something to exactly complain about, as aunties always make the most delicious food, but you end up considerably heavier after a visit to their house.

The knuckle-crackers : In all honesty, this is quite a scary characteristic of aunties. They crack their knuckles to rid you of all the "Drishti", and the sound makes you wonder if somebody is breaking boulders around you.

However, all said and done and err..written, aunties are the backbone of a family. They are caring people (who have provided us with endless dishes of food) and have our best interests at heart (most of the time). A family get together is absolutely incomplete without them, their gossip, their liveliness and their eccentricity.(To the aunties who are reading this right now, hopefully this pacifies you, and I don't get too chastised the next time we meet!)